Phileo Love in Marriage

I have started reading a book by Carolyn Mahaney called Feminine Appeal to start off the sabbatical. I’ve been putting off this book for quite some time, but am pleasantly surprised to find it very challenging and applicable!

The second chapter of the book is titled, “The Delight of Loving My Husband”. Before beginning to read, I mentally put a check in the box thinking, “I’ve got this one covered. Josh and I have a really good marriage and I think I love him pretty well!” Imagine my surprise to find that Mahaney has actually caused me to rethink some of the ways in which I relate to my husband.

For instance, she talks specifically about the different kinds of love described by the Greek language (which is used in the New Testament). There are three different terms for love in Greek: phileo, eros, and agape. Eros is erotic love. Phileo is the love of friendship. (Think of Philadelphia, also called The City of Brotherly Love.) And agape is self-sacrificing love.


Mahaney says this about phileo:

This word describes the love between very close friends. It is a tender, affectionate, passionate kind of love. It emphasizes enjoyment and respect in a relationship. Sad to say, I have been guilty of neglecting this phileo kind of love on numerous occasions. I often become so preoccupied with the duties and responsibilities of my marriage that I fail to nurture tenderness and passion in my relationship with my husband. I get so busy serving him that I overlook enjoying him. In light of my tendency to neglect this tender love, I find it interesting that Paul chose phileo rather than agape to describe the kind of love we are to have for our husbands. In fact, in commands specifically related to wives, agape is never used.

Husbands, in contrast, are specifically commanded to love their wives with an agape kind of love. I believe that Scripture’s specific commands to husbands and wives regarding their duties in marriage attest to our respective weaknesses. Men may be weaker in showing sacrificial love and are therefore exhorted to undertake it. But I believe women are generally weaker in exhibiting an affectionate love.



I’ve been hit between the eyes on this because as I give my marriage a good, honest look I’m realizing that I am great at agape love and only so-so in regards to phileo love. I will happily bend over backwards to help and serve Josh. I will put everything in my life on hold to run an errand for him or even just make him that cup of tea he’d like me to brew before he comes home for lunch. It is much the same way that I serve my children.

And while I do show some phileo love, I certainly could do better. It’s interesting how this relates to love languages. My primary love language is quality time. You’d think that would indicate that I constantly initiate moments of quality time with my husband. But I’m ornery and that’s not how it works in my head. I want Josh to initiate time with me so that he can speak my love language to me. If I initiate, I feel like I’ve done his work for him! Mahaney’s book is challenging my assumptions on this. I am called by God to initiate time with my husband. To learn about him, to take an interest in him, to enjoy him because of who he is – exactly who God made him to be and exactly the man I was desperate to marry 13 years ago!

So, how do we women cultivate and show this phileo love to our husbands?



Mahaney says: Loving our husbands with a tender and passionate love is not something that happens automatically in our marriage. Ever since Adam and Eve took that fatal bite of forbidden fruit, our natural human inclination has shifted toward sin. Therefore, we are not naturally prone to love. We are not naturally inclined to be passionate and respectful toward our husbands. Rather we must learn how to adopt this kind of love. Loving our husbands – as biblically defined – is a learned response through the grace of God. The good news is that God is eager to teach us this love.

King Solomon, who after the Lord Himself holds the distinction of the being the wisest man who ever lived, said, “Keep your heart with all vigilance” (Prov. 4:23). In order to cultivate and maintain a tender love for our husbands, we must guard our hearts against sin.



And to get a little more practical, here’s a quote from Elisabeth Elliot which hits the nail squarely on the head:

A wife, if she is very generous, may allow that her husband lives up to perhaps eighty percent of her expectations. There is always the other twenty percent that she would like to change, and she may chip away at it for the whole of their married life without reducing it by very much. She may, on the other hand, simply decide to enjoy the eighty percent, and both of them will be happy.
– Taken from her book Love Has a Price Tag



What good advice! How often do we concentrate on the little things that irritate us about our spouse! Josh can serve me after a long and tiring day’s work by doing the dishes not only from dinner, but also the ones left over from lunch and breakfast. But because he has left his dirty socks on the floor, I am tempted to nag, to overlook his care, and focus only on the small thing irritating me. It not only shows an unthankful heart, but it shows my own selfish tendencies. Rather, if I choose to focus on the gracious way my tired man is helping around the house, I am much more likely to not only think well of him, but to voice my appreciation, thus demonstrating phileo love.

I think sometimes we make this out to be so difficult and it’s not really. As women, we tend to want our husband to be everything we need. To provide, to care, to serve, to watch the kids whenever home, to spend his free time with us, to bring flowers, to remember dates and appointments without fault … in a word, we want him to be perfect. He is NOT God! Ladies, we need to put our expectations and hopes in the right place and on the right person. Your husband will fail you many times. But there is One who will not. And He has graciously given you a husband to walk alongside you, support you, and care for you. Make a deliberate choice to show some phileo love to your man today.

Why Do Pastors Need A Sabbatical?

Josh has now been on sabbatical for one week. And while it’s been wonderful so far, it has really just felt like he’s home for a week of vacation. Today we begin settling into a normal routine. We purposely set the first week as a week of no schedule. Oh, we’ve been busy … painting, ripping up flooring, celebrating Christmas and New Years, eating late dinners, watching movies with the kids. But today, we begin being intentional about resting.

I think many wonder just what a pastoral sabbatical is and why it is necessary. I’ve heard comments about how pastors work just like everyone else, but other professions don’t give you 3 months of rest. I’ve been asked if this is just an extended vacation. Many, many people have wondered what we’re going to DO with three months of “nothingness”.

The truth is there is a difference between a pastor’s or missionary’s job and the typical job in the workforce. He doesn’t just have a regular day job. A pastor is on the front lines of spiritual battle day in and day out. Battle is exhausting. And even the toughest soldier needs time to rest before heading back into the fray. Pastors often struggle to find a day of rest within the week. They don’t usually have the typical two day weekend that most professions offer. And the pastor and his family are on call 24/7. Josh has received calls in the middle of the night to visit the hospital, help an addict resist temptation, or unexpectedly care for a toddler whose parents are in the hospital having another baby. We’ve put dates and family activities on hold so he can minister to a couple on the brink of divorce or diffuse a violent situation. We open our home frequently to counsel couples, singles, and families whenever they are in need. Pastoring is much like parenting. You can’t just leave work at the office to relax at home. Work follows you home.

But it is not a drudgery. When a man and his family are called to this ministry, there is joy even in the disruptions and difficulties. We consider it a privilege to serve those God has called us to. And each and every day we give thanks for the loving care of our church family. Because of their goodness to us, we have been well able to soldier on! They are indeed family to us.

(Elders of OGC and their wives)


Hopefully that helps to answer the question of why a pastor needs times of sabbatical. Now here’s how we plan to use the three months we’ve been graciously given.

To begin with, we don’t intend to have three months of nothingness. In fact, we plan to have much of a few things: rest, spiritual growth, family time, and fun.

Let me break it down.

REST: I have never seen my husband so tired. The first priority of rest is for him to do things that rejuvenate him. Things like getting out in nature, having quiet alone time, reading, watching movies. Most people don’t know this about Josh, but he’s an introvert. Many of a pastor’s duties require him to play the part of an extrovert and Josh does it well. Most people assume he just loves to be in crowds and around people all the time. But he needs time to recharge.

To that end, he just bought some cross country skis to use here in the Wisconsin snow. We’re planning a trip to California during which he’ll see the Sequoia trees, hike, and revel in God’s creation. We’re using a family member’s house while they are south for the winter as a retreat where Josh and I can both have a few hours each day to get quiet with God. Each of these things will give him the quiet he needs to reenter the pastorate well-charged and ready to go.

SPIRITUAL GROWTH: In a house full of 5 kids, it’s hard to find a quiet corner anywhere or a moment of stillness during which you can just sit and listen to God. To solve that problem, Josh and I are both taking time each day to get out of the house to a quiet place. A place where we can get on our faces before the Lord, pour out our hearts to Him, listen for His voice, journal, read, rest, grow. I think this is the part of the sabbatical I am most excited about! It’s a rare treat for me. We’re also asking the kids to start spending one-on-one time with the Lord each day. We’ve found different devotionals for each of them to use and each morning they will have some quiet time with God. It’s our great hope that three months of this will be enough time to set a pattern and start habits that will benefit them their whole lives.

Josh also has a few special things planned in regards to growth. He will be headed to Israel for two weeks to tour the Holy Land and learn from professors who taught him in seminary. This is a life-long dream for him and he’s so excited to go. He can’t wait to put some of his new knowledge into his preaching and looks forward to the insight he’ll gain into the Scriptures. His other planned activity is the reason for our trip to California. He plans to attend John MacArthur’s shepherding conference for pastors. This will take place shortly before our sabbatical ends and should be an excellent way to stir his blood and excite him to get back in the pulpit.

FAMILY TIME: I assure you, we’ll be getting a lot of family time in three months together! No doubt we’ll be sick of each other at times. However, we are trying to be careful about spending quality time together – not just living in the same house. The kids are homeschooled, so we’ve taken the opportunity to call this our “summer break” and will not be doing conventional schoolwork. We don’t want the kids to be bored or lazy though, so to keep their minds active they are each studying a particular area of interest. One will be studying architecture, one ornithology, one will be baking with me each day, and one will work with lego and erector sets to increase his creativity and ability to follow directions. Beyond this, we’re planning lots of family time. Our trip to California will be in the van. SEVEN DAYS there and FIVE DAYS back!! That’s a lot of time together! However, we’re working hard to plan events along the way that will build memories and will blend into our category of fun.

FUN: This is the thing the kids are most excited about. Of course! We have plenty of fun sprinkled in throughout the three months. While staying at a friend’s lake house, we plan to spend a day in the Dells soaking up wild water fun. While in California, we’ll spend time on the beach – always a favorite for us, we’ll sightsee in L.A., we hope to visit the Grand Canyon, the Sequoia National Park, the San Diego Zoo, and … LEGO LAND!! I think I know what the favorite will be. While at home, we’re having fun doing ordinary things. Playing games, eating yummy foods, laughing together. Tomorrow we have new floors getting installed in the dining room and kitchen. But today, there are just bare boards that will be covered. We’ve given the kids the entire day and a large amount of permanent markers to write verses, draw pictures, and create a massive town and roadway for their cars. They are having a blast! It’s well worth the price of replacing my good markers.

A pastoral sabbatical will look different for each pastor. For us, these goals were the most fitting to accomplish what we need. A pastor with no children at home will not need to plan in as much silly fun time. A single pastor may desire to travel for the entire sabbatical. Another may choose to do a pulpit swap with a pastor from another country – enabling both to receive rest and to travel while recycling previously preached sermons.

The Brumbaughs need this particular sabbatical. And without the support and care of our church, none of it would be possible. It is only through the generosity of our church members that we are able to do any of our fun events and travelling. It is through the goodness of family members that we have a quiet place to retreat each day. It is because of the help of other families that we are able to leave our chickens, parakeet, and house knowing they will be well-tended. And it is only through the many prayers offered on our behalf that we will return refreshed and ready for another thrilling season of ministry. It is our prayer that God will use this time to prepare us for whatever lies ahead and to refresh and awaken the church to revival.

The Green Eyed Monster is ... Good?

Recently I counseled a friend by saying that it's right to be jealous. It may sound a little strange to offer the advice of "Be jealous!", but I believe the Bible gives us a clear picture that jealousy is a completely valid and warranted emotion.

In fact, God even describes himself as jealous:

ESV Exodus 34:14 for you shall worship no other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God

ESV Deuteronomy 4:24 For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.

NIV Exodus 20:5-6 I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.


Given that God describes himself in this manner, there must be another definition for jealousy other than the destructive view we typically take.

Part of the problem may be that we tend to confuse the terms "jealousy" and "envy". Envy is desiring something that doesn't belong to you. A house like the neighbor's. A marriage like the one you read about in a recent romance novel. Your friend's skinny body. A voice like the singer at church. Envy wants what you don't have, but others do. It creates a discontent with what God has given you, and a longing for more than He has blessed you with.

On the other hand, jealousy desires what already is yours. It is a fierce protectiveness and longing for something that belongs to you. A husband. A child. Honesty in a close friendship. Time with God.

For example, in marriage jealousy is essential. When a couple exchanges marriage vows they essentially said to one another, "I will save my affections for you only. I will belong only to you. I will be faithful." When one spouse breaks that promise in word, emotion, or deed there is absolutely good cause for the other to be jealous.

Likewise when we commit to a relationship with God, we are also making a vow. A vow to place Him first in our lives. God is jealous for our affections. He purposely sets out to expose the idols in our lives, those things that compete for the primo spot in life. We are His and He has every right to our affections.

But what strikes me even more than the fact that God is jealous for me is that I should be jealous regarding my relationship with Him. If I truly value my time with God, I should be consistently weeding out those things that prohibit me from investing time and effort into the relationship. Just as I would with a spouse or a child.

I'm thankful that God is not forceful in His regard toward me. He does not slam His way into my life and harshly rip out anything that gets in the way. Instead, He patiently waits for me to fall so deeply in love that I jealously guard my time with Him. Although much too frequently I really could use a swift kick in the pants to get me moving in the right direction!

But that is the incredible complexity and care of our God. He calls Himself a jealous God, but in the same breath reveals that He extends love to a thousand generations of those who love Him. What patience! What forgiveness! Surely He is deserving of the highest priority.

I leave you with a song by Meredith Andrews that puts God's love into beautiful words. Enjoy.

Earn your keep and keep what you earn

I read an article in this week's World Magazine that has me thinking. In fact, it's something that Josh and I have been talking about for some time. The basic premise of the article is that the need for college training seems to be waning while the demand for those with technical skills is increasing.

The article cites Mike Rowe's words as he testified before the U.S. Senate in 2011. Rowe states that while there is a high unemployment rate in the U.S., there is actually a tremendous need for people with trade skills. There just aren't enough people skilled in specific trades.

Josh and I have heard this idea mentioned by several people and have read about it in a variety of publications over the last several months. I'm sure it's something we'll continue to discuss as our own children speed toward the time when they will need to make decisions about their future careers.

However, regardless of whether our children decide to head the route of learning a trade or studying in college, there are some things that I'm convinced we need to teach our children if they will succeed in life.

The first thing they must learn is a good work ethic. There's a great little book called The Fred Factor. It's about a postman named Fred. Fred is an excellent worker. He is conscientious, goes above and beyond the call of duty, and cares for those he serves. Fred is a good example of how I want my children to behave in whatever God calls them to do.

Teaching diligence and perseverance starts at home. Teaching my children to tackle even the tough jobs begins with cleaning up toys, washing dishes, and watering the garden. Our oldest recently read the book "Do Hard Things" by Brett and Alex Harris. He loved it! The Harris twins challenge teens to go beyond the expectations of society. It's only in recent times that teens have been given a wild card to act out, be disrespectful, and continue their childhood. Throughout history, teens have held incredible responsiblity - some doing work that we wouldn't even expect a 30 year old to tackle nowadays!

So, in mutual agreement, Josh and I have decided that we will be counter-cultural in raising our children to be productive, respectable, honest members of society. Even as teens. But especially as adults. None of this "28 year old man-child living in the basement playing video games and avoiding the job market" stuff for our kids!

The second thing we have decided is of utmost importance to our children's future success is to teach them how to handle money. How many people do you know with absolutley no debt? Not even a mortgage? I know of maybe a handful. Now, I'm not totally against a mortgage, but I do feel that if it can be avoided, it should be.

When Josh and I first got married, we had the attitude that we were entitled to have everything our parents had. We began our marriage by filling our house with all the "necessary" items of life. Right down to a coat rack. As if a coat closet wasn't enough. If we didn't have it and we "needed" it, we bought it. Hang the cost!

It has taken us over a decade to change those habits - and especially to change our way of thinking. For the Christian, the attitude of instant gratification leaves no room for God to provide. It keeps us from bringing our needs to the One who loves to provide in remarkable ways and to receive the glory for it. It also negates the role of the church in providing for one another. How wonderful when a brother in Christ can fix your lawnmower and later you can serve him by tending his garden. We each have different skills and gifts. But when we rely only on ourselves, we neglect to utilize and recognize the remarkable gifts God has given to others.

In terms of spending, we've had some hard lessons to learn. We've been "in plenty" and "in want" in our almost 13 years of marriage. We had three lean years during seminary when we sometimes wondered how we'd pay for groceries or clothe our children. But God always provided and often in extraordinary ways! Now that we have a regular income we have to carefully keep ourselves from foolish spending. We recently switched to using cash only. If the money isn't there, we can't buy it. Our savings and our tithe come out of the paycheck first and the remainder is for us to wisely use for living. Would you believe, we're saving more now than ever before?! The absence of credit card spending has caused us to more carefully evaluate our purchases and to be sure it's something we need before just rushing out to fulfill our wants.

These are things I want my children to learn. A good worker, diligent and trustworthy will be sought after in the workforce. Someone who is mindful of his spending and who has adopted good money habits will have far fewer worries than his contemporaries.

Regardless of what my children choose to do in life, I hope they will regard their work in this way:

"No work is insignificant. All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be
undertaken with painstaking excellence.” - Martin Luther King, Jr.

And their wealth in this way:

Proverbs 28:6 Better is a poor man who walks in his integrity than a rich man who is crooked in his ways.
Proverbs 23:4 Do not wear yourself out to get rich; have the wisdom to show restraint.

Sturdy

Our little one is quickly growing. He's not only huge in regards to his weight and height, but he's growing up in regards to what he can do. He's only four months old, but I'm sure he can say "Hi". He often says it first thing when he sees us in the morning and even said it to our doctor at his recent check up. (Which tells me I'm not just projecting genius onto him!) He is desperately trying to sit up and loves stretching his legs by standing and jumping on our laps.

It's that last one that made us think perhaps he might like the Johnny Jump Up that's been in storage since our second child was itty bitty. The only child of ours that loved the jumper was Zack. He would spend HOURS jumping. In fact, since he was an early riser, we would get up, put baby Zack in the jumper and head back to bed. A couple of hours later, he'd still be happily jumping away or sound asleep in the jumper occasionally bouncing in his sleep.

We've tried the jumper with each of our other children, but no one else would spend more than 2 minutes in it before ear-splitting screaming ensued. However, with Jesse we just had an inkling that he might enjoy it.

Unlike our wonderfully old house in CT, our current home has no wide doorways. We don't have moulding, so there's nothing to really attach the jumper to except door frames. So two nights ago I came home from Abby's gymnastics practice and found Josh sequestered away in the garage building something "sturdy".

When it comes to woodworking, my husband doesn't do anything wimpy. And with five children in the house, that's a really good thing! He has built bookcases, a coffee table, shelving ... and check out this chicken coop he recently finished. We call it the chicken palace.

So I knew that whatever he was building for the jumper would be sturdy enough to hold our little one. I had no idea it would be sturdy enough for a grown man to do pull ups on! Here's the ingenious structure that now sits in our house:

Notice the little guy super happy to be jumping. He's just like his big brother and is happy to jump, jump, jump all day long. Hooray for saving Mommy's back and arms from lugging around a 19 pound four month old!

If you're like me, you're wondering how in the world I can allow something so ... sturdy (read: large) into my house. I did say that this invention was ingenious, did I not? The whole structure comes apart in three sections so that it can be moved into any room of the house or stored easily in the garage at a moment's notice. Hallelujah!! My husband's got skills!

I love that he makes sturdy furniture. I love that when the kids are climbing on said furniture, I don't have to worry about it collapsing or breaking. I know that the things he builds will stand up to the abuse my children can dish out.

But you know what I like more than my husband's sturdy furniture? I like that he is sturdy. He's reliable, he's strong. I know that I can lean on him when times are tough and he'll be able to hold me up. I know that I can depend upon him to keep me grounded and to keep our family deeply rooted in God's Word.

How do I know this? Because Christ is sturdy. And my man is fully commited to following Christ. And since his love for Jesus is greater than his love for me or our children, I can count on him to be a strong, sturdy oak.

Not only can I claim to have a man who builds sturdy furniture, but more importantly I can say that he truly is an "oak of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." (Psalm 61:3)